Asking Questions: How To Level Up In Life

“Can I ask you a question?” -Taylor Swift

Occasionally as a family, we get together in a “quiet” (just go with it for a second) setting like our living room, and attempt to sit calmly (haha) on the couch to have a little family pow wow. Sometimes we’ll watch a quick spiritual video of some kind, or we’ll read scriptures, or sometimes just discuss what’s going on with everybody that week.

When I say a few minutes, it really is a few minutes before the kids start throwing couch pillows, sitting on each others faces, or laughing uncontrollably at something someone said which all turns into wrestling on the floor.

Sounds crazy, I know… 🙂

Every now and then, unprovoked by my wife and I, we’ll get some genuine comments and questions from the kids. I love it when it happens because it means that our home has become, at least in that tiny moment, a place where our child can feel comfortable speaking his mind and being vulnerable enough to ask sincere questions from his heart.

Our son Jett, who just happens to be turning 11 this week, is an amazing boy. He doesn’t often speak his mind or show sincere emotion, but when he does, you know it’s real.

I’ll give a quick example. At the beginning of this last school year, Jett and his fellow 5th graders were getting ready to go to 5th grade camp. They would be gone for several days, camping in cabins with their classmates and school teachers. Jett was excited to go, and didn’t show any hesitation at all. We got everything packed up, and the morning of the first day, as we were about to head out the door to drop him off at the school with all of his camping gear, something inside him unleashed. Something he hadn’t even hinted towards, and my wife and I were somewhat surprised at what was going on. He was in tears as he told us over and over that he didn’t want to go. That he was scared. That he didn’t want to be away from home without us. That home was where he felt safe, and he didn’t want to leave that. We had no idea he was feeling this way. And it was true, as a 10 year old boy, he had never spent the night anywhere else without us, or some immediate family member that he knew and trusted. This would be the first time he would be “on his own” for several nights in a row in a strange new place.

Long story short, after some emotional and difficult conversations, while sitting on the curb outside the school with all of the other kids on the buses ready to go, and with some strong encouragement to him on my part, he ended up going. Of course, he had a blast and was glad he went, as were we.

The reason I share that quick story is to speak to Jett’s tender heart. While he keeps getting older and is becoming more and more guarded against his parents, and less willing to share his true feelings with us, he’s still got a soft spot for his safe place he calls home.

Ok, back to our family pow wow. I can’t even remember exactly what we were discussing at the time, but whatever it was, Jett decided to ask: “How do I even know that what you’re saying is true? What if you’re just making it up? How do we know what anybody says about anything is true? Any story that anyone tells about something else, or somebody else who isn’t alive anymore, or that happened a long time ago, how can we actually know if it happened or not? People could just be making things up.”

I had to take a minute as I realized my son was not just making jokes and being silly, he was sincere. He was speaking about real concerns from his heart. I don’t know that I gave him a very good answer in the moment, I probably said something about how the Gift of the Holy Ghost helps us know the truth of all things, and the only way we can know truth is by learning, studying, and prayer. At least that’s been my experience.

But more than my answers, I was fascinated and pleased at the wonderful questions my son was asking. I have no idea what prompted them, but in that moment I was proud that he felt the need to ask, that he felt home was a safe space in that moment to open up.

This prompted me to think about the importance of asking questions.

Video Games

Have you ever played a role player game? My son Jett loves this game called The Legend of Zelda. I’ve watched him play, and it’s really quite fun. It’s essentially a story that you get to play out. There are missions to accomplish, items you need to collect, and enemies you need to thwart. It’s an open world game where you can pretty much go anywhere you want. If you really wanted, you could wander around aimlessly for hours.

However, if you’d like to actually progress through the story of the game, you need to interact with the NPC’s, the Non-Player Characters. These characters can be quest-givers, vendors, companions, or even enemies. These interactions contain a lot of questions. Questions posed by the NPC, or by your character, something to help guide you on your way and dropping little hints for whatever you need to do next. By interacting with these NPC’s, you then discover clues about what you need to do next and where you need to go.

Simply said, asking questions is how you level up. It’s how you learn. It’s how you discover things you otherwise might not have noticed or thought about. And the more questions you have, the better you can progress. Until eventually, you beat the game.

I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot of patience with these kinds of video games. I find myself too often wandering aimlessly trying to figure things out myself before I end up getting stuck, frustrated, and just quit.

Yikes am I relating video games to life? I guess video games can actually be helpful. I can see my wife rolling her eyes at the notion… (by the way, the only reason I know anything about the rules of football is because of Madden ‘94 on the Super Nintendo)

Ask Questions

I’m sure we’ve all been in this scenario, I know I have a hundred times: Usually a school or a work setting. Somebody opens up an opportunity to ask questions about a topic. In my brain, tons of questions are firing off, whether from a lack of understanding or paying attention or a desire to discuss more, I have questions… but I say nothing. I hold my tongue. I wait to see if maybe somebody else in the room will ask the question I have. I’m embarrassed to ask the question. Although I look around the room, and I get the sense that other people have the same concern or question, I still don’t want to put myself out there. I’d rather stay silent than give myself an opportunity to learn. Finally, some brave soul does decide to ask the question and I’m glad that I didn’t have to put myself out there. I sure would have felt stupid asking that question, and now I could pretend like everyone else that I knew the answer the whole time.

Yet there is something admirable in that person who asked the question. They understood how to level up and just needed to ask.

What’s the best way to behave on a first date?

Ask questions.

What’s the best way to sell a product or service?

Ask questions.

What’s the best way to understand and connect with your spouse?

Ask questions.

What’s the best way to understand anything you don’t understand?

Duh, ask questions. (Side note: Those last 2 questions are in no way connected…)

I don’t know why we are so afraid to ask questions sometimes. To put ourselves out there and be vulnerable just for a minute. To not care how people might judge us because there’s something we don’t understand.

Questions are like a secret super power to getting through life. A hidden key to unlock an unseen door. A tool that if used correctly and sincerely, can chisel and shape you and the people you talk to into stronger, more capable and connected versions of yourselves. You might even reveal truths and life experiences that were before hidden in plain sight. And you might empower someone within ear shot who maybe isn’t quite ready to ask questions, or be vulnerable, but is now one step closer to leveling themselves up.

Don’t you love it when somebody asks you questions? When somebody wants to know how you’re doing, and engages with you in conversation about your life? It feels good. It’s fulfilling. And when you also respond with questions, and allow others to open up, it creates this open environment where people can build a connection.

As the great philosopher of our time, Taylor Swift, has said (or rather, sang- from her Midnights album): “…it’s just a question.”

It’s all easier said than done. Myself included.

And once again, I’m glad I have my children in my life to remind me of the simple importance of just asking questions.

🎵 Ba da da da da da daaaaa da da da daaaaaaa 🎵 (to the tune of Super Mario finishing a level)