The Carrot or the Stick? A Love Story

I read two things while I was in college that ended up informing my philosophy as a parent, coach, and leader for the rest of my life.

Pigeons

The goal was to train a pigeon in a cage to earn a pellet of food by pecking a button.

To achieve this goal, researchers gave the pigeon "feedback" whenever it did something they didn't want it to do — like when it moved away from the button.

And by "feedback" I mean "electric shocks".

Pigeon after pigeon responded the same to negative feedback. After trying for awhile, the pigeons decided nothing they could do would make people happy, so they sat down and started to starve themselves to death — just inches away from food.

Orcas

The goal was to get an orca to leap out of a pool and splash the first several rows of paying customers.

No matter how hard they tried, though, orcas this gifted just cannot be found in the open ocean. So they settled for ordinary orcas. They captured them and put them in a pool.

At the bottom of that pool trainers put a rope. Whenever the untrained orca swam over a rope, it got a fish. Whenever they didn't, they got nothing. Consequently, 100% of the orcas they captured soon learned to swim over the rope.

But orcas swimming over a rope at the bottom of the pool isn't much of a show, so in time they raised the rope. If the orca swims under it, no fish. When it swam over the rope, fish.

As the orcas mastered a level, the trainers raised the rope again and again until it was floating on top of the water. Now the orca had to come out of the water to earn fish, and as it did the trainers used voice commands to transition the orca from rope to human voice incentives.

Eventually orcas did not need a rope to get them to leap high out of the water.

Tough Love vs Effective Love

Although I was not yet a parent myself when I read those two stories, they made me think about what families do to each other — especially parents who usually default to using negative reenforcement to get kids to be good.

Yes, negative reinforcement is sometimes necessary — but just as it is easy to over-salt our food, we need to keep in mind that negative reinforcement should be used carefully and sparingly. Besides, positive reinforcement is the more effective training tool.

So all my adult life, as a coach, a parent, and a leader, I've told people to "catch people doing things right, and encourage more of it."

Naughty or Nice?

I once asked a six year old boy on Christmas Eve, "So, are you on the naughty list or the nice?"

I meant for the question to be playful, but to my horror it completely changed his body language. His eyes got sad, his head went down, and his voice was quiet.

"I really don't know," he said in despair.

I was stunned by this unexpected reaction — and a bit heart broken — so I quickly tried to lift him.

"Well I do!" I said cheerfully. "You are such a good boy!"

"But at my house I'm always doing things wrong, he replied. "Mom and dad always have to get after me."

"Yes, but that's not because you are bad," I explained. "That's because you are learning."

"That's just how daddies and mommies teach kids to be good people. It doesn't mean you're naughty when they get after you, it just means you're a kid. That's all. That's just how some grownups teach kids to be a good."

He looked like he wanted to believe me, but wasn't quite sure if he should.

"You watch:" I said with a grin, "Tomorrow Santa will give you gifts. When that happens, you will know that you are on the nice list, and that you don't have to be sad when your parents correct you. Okay?"

"Okay," he smiled and nodded.

I want to make it clear that I am not saying or inferring that any substandard parenting is happening here.

Obviously all children (and adults) need correcting at times.

Nevertheless, our operating default should be to offer fish, not electric shocks.

Let us know in the comments ways we can encourage people to be good without resorting to fault-finding.

Thanks for listening.