Fulfillment in Family

What brings you fulfillment in life?

While there are many things that bring me fulfillment, there is none more impactful than family. And nothing even comes close.

My family and I recently visited the island of O’ahu. While there, we visited the Polynesian Cultural Center, a truly incredible experience for anyone who has never been. One thing that stood out to me was that throughout the day, the staff members and performers who work there do not address you as “brother,” or “sister” (common vernacular used in a church-affiliated organization), or even “sir” or “ma’am.” They address you as “family.”

I thought at first they just meant MY family that was with me (my wife, kids, and parents). But even in larger groups, they address everyone as “family.” And I realized it’s because they consider you part of their family. All of us as one big family.

For anyone who has spent a lot of time around Polynesian culture, it doesn’t take long to notice just how family-centered this wonderful culture is. Everything revolves around family. And it is powerful, purposeful, and profound.

It’s had me thinking a lot lately about my family. And while there are many “families” in my life (extended family, church family, work family, alumni group families, etc), I want to focus on the 3 that have brought me the most fulfillment in my life: family of origin, family I married into, and my own family.

Family of Origin- Fulfillment in Learning

My family of origin is the family I was born into and grew up in. It consisted of two loving parents, five boys and three girls. I am number five of eight children. Eight children... I'm going nuts enough with three of my own children. I have no idea how my parents managed to raise eight.

My family of origin has had tremendous impact on who I am as a person. These are people that with the exception of school and friends, I spent nearly 100% of my time with! And even then, since I was right smack dab in the middle of my family I always had siblings above and below me in school and friend groups as well. When you spend that much time around the same group of people, whether you like it or not, they have a profound impact on you. And with that impact comes fulfillment.

Now when I say fulfillment, I'm not necessarily talking about pleasure. I certainly don't mean to suggest that everything was happy and wonderful and unicorns and rainbows. There's nothing fulfilling about that. Fulfillment sometimes comes from making mistakes and learning hard lessons. It comes from stealing your brother's awesome tear-away pants and wearing them to school to show off to your friends, only to get caught by your brother later and get home from school before him, put them back in his drawer, deny ever wearing them and convince him he must have been seeing things and spend the next few years bickering and fighting over whose clothes belong to whom. And then loving and playing with your brother anyways. Brett, if you're reading this, after you left on your mission and explicitly told me not to wear any of your clothes you boxed up, well... 😁

There is a lot of learning that happens in your family of origin. Not just the natural learning that comes with growing up like how to walk, talk, read, write, etc, but also learning how to interact with all these people around you all the time.

But even though there was a lot of negative, some serious and some not so serious, the positive impact of learning how to love, care, forgive, laugh, and spend quality time together, vastly outweighs the negative. Fulfillment, negative and positive. Fulfillment that comes from learning.

Family I Married Into- Fulfillment in Relationships

Before my wife Amanda and ever I started dating back in college, I had a unique opportunity to meet a lot of Amanda's family. I met Amanda's sister Megan first, one of the most kind and loving people in existence. Amanda and I were just friends for a while, so I was nobody special, but Megan treated me like I was.

A few months later there was an opportunity to spend some additional time with Amanda in the form of offering to drive her and Megan from Provo to Centerville Utah to attend a cousins mission homecoming. Little did I realize just how amazing Amanda's extended family was. I wasn't even the "boyfriend" yet, but everyone treated me like I was already part of the family. I met a lot of her aunts and uncles and cousins and I'll never forget the feelings of peace and happiness when I was with them. I could tell immediately that this family had a uniquely strong bond, and I wanted to be a part of it.

As time went on and I eventually became the boyfriend, then the fiánce, then the husband, of course I met all of the Dance (Amanda's maiden name) family. Amanda's parents have always treated me like their son (I even call them mom and dad) and Amanda's brothers and sisters and their spouses are like brothers and sisters to me. I truly lucked out not just in the woman I married, but her family as well.

For the past 15 years I have found profound fulfillment in cultivating my relationships with the family I married into. I've watched as each family has grown in size, moved multiple times, changed jobs, graduated college, started businesses, struggled with illness, hurt, and sadness, and overcome these struggles with strength, power, and courage. I've had a front row seat to the highs and lows that life has brought to each family, and I've been able to spend time with, talk, laugh, cry, learn, grow, and strengthen each relationship all along the way. And it's in these relationships I have found tremendous fulfillment.

My Own Family- Fulfillment in Love

Growing a family of your own is a never-ending fulfilling venture. After a few years of trying to figure out how to live life with the female species (emphasis on "trying") and cultivating our marraige, we decided it was time to multiply. We turned our family into a family of 5.

This might seem obvious, but raising a family is HARD. Don't ever believe those social media posts you see of your friends and their kids dressed nicely and smiling sweetly for a photo. That one photo is part of a much larger story involving clothing mishaps, last minute hair fixes, ringing eardrums from screaming 5 seconds before, multiple bags of fruit snacks and goldfish, and possibly some photoshop after the fact for the red tear soaked cheeks of the toddler whose nap time was 45 minutes ago.

There's nothing pleasurable about changing pee-filled sheets at 3am, paying for broken car door handles, constantly cleaning up, feeling guilty for yelling and getting upset, or intensely worrying while you sit in a hospital room watching the doctor sew up a large gash in their forehead.

But I'm not talking about pleasure. I'm talking about fulfillment.

And while those examples of life experiences with children are difficult, stressful, and often heart-wrenching, they are absolutely fulfilling. Maybe not in the moment, but as part of the bigger picture of what it means to truly love and serve someone through those experiences. This loving bond that forms can never be broken.

There is no greater feeling of fulfillment in life than the love for a spouse and children. The intense service rendered in the name of family is the water and sunlight for a seed, the sweat and soreness for strength, and the matches and lighter fluid for a raging bonfire.

I've still got quite a ways to go with my own family. But whatever it is we go through, I know that the fulfillment we find in the love we share for each other will empower us to get through whatever comes our way.

Fulfillment in learning. Fulfillment in relationships. Fulfillment in love. There are many other things in my life that bring me fulfillment, but none quite like these. Family is constant. Family is forever.

Family is everything.

Mahalo wau i koʻu ʻohana.