Seeking Solace Among the Storms

“Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?”

These words, penned by poet and novelist Emma Lou Thayne, have had increasingly greater impact on me with each passing year of my life. Combine these profound words of self inquiry with the beautiful music composed by Joleen G. Meredith, and you have one of my favorite hymns of all time. 

Alone time

We all need it. There’s nothing like having time to yourself. And lately, I’ve been struggling to find and use this time.

For the past 12 years in my career, I have been fortunate to have mornings to myself. Almost every job I’ve had has required an early morning start time. Whether it’s to the construction site, the office, or some training meeting, I’m usually out of the house by 6am to start my day. This means up and at ’em between 5–6am getting ready for the day, and if I throw in a morning workout, even earlier than that.

Typically my family is still asleep when I leave for work, which means the house is quiet. One to two hours of a quiet house has been a huge blessing for my own personal alone time.

Until recently.

Halfway through this past year, I found myself unemployed and nobody demanding an early morning start time from me. As I sought for new employment opportunities and pursued new career goals during the day, my forced habit of early to rise fell by the wayside. Instead of waking up to my alarm and quietly moving about the silent, peaceful house, I was now waking up to kids running around the house, yelling, and prodding me asking if they could watch TV, while informing me the morning cereal selection was below their approved sugary standard and instead they cooked themselves eggs for breakfast, threatening to burn the house down as the combined scent of natural gas and a burned cast iron pan lingers in the air and the sound of the smoke alarm blares punishingly to my sombre parental ears.

It was quite a shock to me to wake up this way on a daily basis. And I realized what kind of affect this was having on me as my morning alone time disappeared.

Fortunately it didn’t take too long to re-employ myself, however my new career path is the first job I’ve ever had that does not require an early morning meeting of some kind. I’ll admit it has been a nice change of pace being able to assist my wife in getting kids dressed and ready for school and out the door, a task that she’s handled basically solo for the past 7 years. However, my new habit of waking to the sounds of morning juvenile apocalyptic riotousness, has endured.

Finding some alone time has become much more difficult. Now, if I get up before the rest of my family to get some alone time, it is purely by choice, and not because anyone demands it of me.

I have found myself asking the same questions that Emma Lou Thayne poses, lamenting the source of my quiet mornings and seeking other opportunities to find peace and solace.

The Storms Never Stop

As I get older, it seems that the storms of life never cease. In fact, they increase. Family relationships become strained. Children's emotions rage. People experience life changing and often tragic events of job loss, financial trouble, illness, and death. Just when you escape one storm, you get blasted by another. “Out of the frying pan and into the fire” becomes less of an effective metaphoric statement and more of a family motto. 

I used to think that if I could just achieve X or accomplish Y that maybe the surrounding storms of life would finally stop, or at least simmer down to a bearable light breeze. Maybe then and only then I could realize success, happiness, and comfort.  

However the storms of life are relentless. No matter what choices I make, what path I choose to follow, what beliefs I have, or what goals I pursue, the storms of life will never stop. In fact, quite the opposite. As I experience more of life, I realize just how big the storm is, and the impending doom of it all becomes unbearably overwhelming.

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something” -Westley from The Princess Bride

Seeking Solace

Thankfully, there is actually something we can do about it. Not the storms, mind you, but our response to it. If I can accept that the constant raging storm is always there and out of my control, I’m going to acknowledge it’s ever-burdening presence, and then turn to what I can control.

And what I can control is seeking solace. Seeking peace. Finding, even if it’s just for a few minutes a day, a time when I can just be with my own thoughts. Away from the noise. Away from the distractions. Deciding to turn to something that brings me peace because I have the power to do that, regardless of whatever else is going on.

It just so happened that among my recent time of unemployment and painful morning wake-up calls, I happened to be training heavily for a half-marathon, something I had never done before but had nonetheless committed to almost a year prior. The time was drawing near for the race and I had set myself goals for training and physical preparation. This preparation included running, sometimes for over an hour, as I paced myself for success.

An entire hour, alone and unbothered. Alone time! Realized at last!

I sought solace in running. Sometimes running to the tune of my own thoughts, sometimes running as I listened to an inspiring or adventurous audiobook. It wasn’t always quiet, but if I could find the right location, either on a trail or a less traveled road, and even among my huffs and puffs and pains in my legs, there was actually solace there. I could find peace, if only for a short time, that began to be a source to make me whole.

The Right Sources

I love that included among Emma Lou Thayne’s words are “when other sources cease to make me whole.”

Ain’t that the truth.

It seems like we are a culture of people wandering from source to source trying to feel whole. How often have I turned to a source, hoping it will fill me and quench my emptiness, only to find out that the feeling was only temporary at best and completely unfulfilling at worst?

Everyone is demanding our attention. Everyone is “selling something.” Everyone is asking for subscriptions and follows and likes and comments. There are more distractions today than ever before. And we all give into it! We can’t even go to the bathroom without bringing in our phone and scrolling instagram or YouTube to get our fix of distractions. And the few times I happen to go to the bathroom and don’t bring my phone with me, I always have the same epiphany of how much more peaceful life was before I ever owned a phone and how many accumulative hours of life I spent sitting there, undistracted, forced to contemplate my existence for the briefest of moments and finding what simple solace I could because nature demanded it of me.

But I digress.

As for what sources help to make me feel whole, well I’m still figuring it out and it’s an ever changing and evolving experience. Over a year ago, I’m not sure I would have found much peace and solace in running. I also wasn’t running for over an hour on a regular basis. I was satisfied with my morning routine and quiet house before leaving soundlessly to work. Maybe next year life will change in a way that I look for solace elsewhere, maybe somewhere I haven’t even considered yet. It will depend entirely on me.

Nobody can tell you where you can truly seek solace. Where you might find peace and fulfillment. They can offer their experiences as examples, they can present evidence and stories, and even provide overwhelming authentic support for how they find it. It might work for you, it might not. It certainly doesn’t hurt to try and find out for yourself. But I can’t expect what brings me solace and peace to also bring you solace and peace.

All I know is that it’s important to seek it. Hopefully find it. Make time for it. And hold onto it so you can navigate the storms of life as they come.

If you’re looking for a place to start, give the bathroom a try and leave the phone behind :)