The Invention of Scared

Have you ever been scared?

I've been thinking about my sweet 7-year old son Chandler lately.

The past year or so, his general sense of fear has been heightened. Mostly he is afraid of the dark and afraid of being left alone. We have a 2-story home and often he won't even want to go upstairs by himself, he always wants someone to come with him. At night time we leave a small lamp on so it isn't completely dark.

Even still, several times a week, Chandler will wake up in the middle of the night feeling scared and come sleep in our bed. We're usually half awake ourselves and don't mind him snuggling for a bit, but after about 30 minutes to an hour, I'll usually carry him back to his bed and he sleeps soundly the rest of the night. He just needs that cozy comforting feeling sleeping next to mom and dad, and he's A-OK.

Chandler has always been very inquisitive and thoughful. He often shares what's on his mind and articulates it very well for a 7-year old. I'll share a recent experience with this in regards to feeling scared.

Conquering fears at Disneyland

Last week we all flew to California and visited Disneyland along with some family members from my wife's family. It was a really fun opportunity for a lot of the cousins to spend time together in a magical place, which Disneyland assuredly is, especially for children who don't have to fork out the money for it (it's a little less magical for the parents who do...). I made sure to measure all of my children before we left because I wanted to know which rides they wouldn't be able to do. Turns out they're all over 48" now, so they really could do any ride they wanted. Some of the biggest rides like the Incredicoaster or Space Mountain, I wasn't sure my youngest kids, Jett and Chandler, would be up for. Which was fine, we weren't going to force them. But we were hoping that having cousins to encourage them would braven them up if they were feeling nervous.

This didn't always work. For example my 9-year old son Jett, who chose not to do the Guardians of the Galaxy ride (RIP Tower of Terror) at first with the rest of the cousins, was convinced after a cousin his age went on the ride. Jett mustered up the courage to go and... he absolutely hated it. He screamed and cried louder with every drop. There wasn't much I could do but hold him and tell him it was going to be okay until it was over.

Chandler however surprised me. His favorite ride was the Incredicoaster. He also loved Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, and Thunder Mountain. This sweet 7-year old boy felt like he was conquering his fears by riding scary rides and just loving them. I don't think I did those rides when I was 7.

Out of the mouth of babes

After our 2nd day when we had gone to California Adventures, we got back late and I was putting Chandler to bed around 9 or 9:30pm. We were talking about the day and his favorite rides and I was asking him if he was scared to do any of the rides. He said he was scared, but then started listing his favorite rides in order and talking about how much he loved them. I said goodnight and gave him a kiss, and turned to go say goodnight to his brother, and as I walked away he said to me:

"Dad, I think they invented scary so we could become braver and stronger."

I turned back and told him that he was exactly right, and I told him how proud of him I was and kissed him again one more time before he quickly fell to sleep.

I wrote down what he said so I wouldn't forget and shared it with my wife later that night.

It's simple and sweet and true. I love the way he phrased it:

"I think they invented scary."

Who's they? He didn't know, and it didn't really matter. I knew he was learning that it's okay to be scared, because of what happens after. I knew he was proud of himself for conquering his fears. He felt those internal feelings of bravery and strength within himself and was making the connection, in his 7-year old mind, that these feelings came after first feeling scared.

Since then, I've been thinking about the things I'm scared of. My fears. Where do they come from? And how do I follow my son's example and become braver and stronger from them? What if I attempt to conquer my fears and, like my son Jett on the Guardians of the Galaxy ride, it becomes overwhelming for me?

I don't necessarily have a good answer. I may not like to admit it, and I always like to put on a brave face, but there are quite a few things in life that terrify me.

And that's ok. In fact, not to get too philosophical, but it's how this life was designed. Becoming braver and stronger and conquering our fears is partially what this roller coaster of a life experience is all about.

Whoever invented scary, the jokes on them. Because little do they know they are doing us a favor. They are making us braver and stronger.

And if my 7-year old can do it, well, then so can I.